Thoughts on Being Offended

Is it ever OK for a believer to be offended or is it sin? We often hear someone say (or we have said ourselves), "You have offended me" or "I was so offended by what you said or did". Do we mean that our feelings were hurt or is this just a *Christian* cover for anger? Hmmm, let's look at a few things.

Webster's gives some of these definitions for offended: "to cause to feel vexation or resentment usually by violation of what is proper or fitting", "to cause pain to". Are we feeling vexation or resentment and calling it "being offended" thinking that justifies our sin?

I have been in churches where everyone was what I called an *offense waiting to happen*. You had to walk on eggshells and still someone would be offended by what you said or didn't say, by what you did or didn't do. A pastor was called unfriendly and therefore unloving because he didn't always say hello to certain people on Sunday morning. Hearts were so self-focused that no one was able to see beyond their own selfish lives to the possible needs of another. Every action or word was not looked upon with love and compassion toward other people but as if it were intentionally directed at ME. Is this where God wants us to be??

Are we to be making assumptions about other's spirituality based on our own selfish focus? Are we to be quick to anger, quick to take up resentment, quick to take account of a wrong suffered, quick to believe the worst about one another?

We look at our children and sibling rivalry and shake our heads in exasperation at their sinful and self-centered hearts. Where in the world do these attitudes come from, we ask ourselves. "Your dress touched my dress!!" "You are on my side of the couch!" "Mom, he's looking at me!!" Are they seeing in US the attitude of being quickly offended? "Pastor, she's doing such and such and I'm offended!" "Did you hear what so and so said? I can't believe it and I am just so offended!" "How could a true believer not see how much I am offended by such and such?"

In years past I was one of those "walk on eggshells around THAT one" type of person. I believed the worst about others and was prepared to defend myself to the death assuming that others were ready to stick a knife in MY back! And this was when I was a believer! But God in His mercy has shown me a deeper understanding of His love and mercy and grace. He has taught me a little bit (or rather I have learned a little bit) about assuming the best until I am PROVED wrong. I have seen first-hand what God means when He requires us to turn the other cheek.

And you know what? MY life is much happier and more pleasant when I focus on others with love. I have greater joy and freedom to love others because I don't feel like I HAVE to fight for #1 (as the world tells us)...that's God's job! My job is to be willing to be poured out as a drink offering for the sake of others and the glory and honor of the One who bought my life. My job is to be willing to live a life of sacrificial, unsung servanthood to those He came to save. My job is to see that "He must increase, I must decrease." OUCH!!

How often am I looking for that recognition that *I* am so wonderful! Thinking, 'Boy! didn't God get a great deal when He chose me!' Convincing myself that I and I alone have the corner on the truth market and everyone else is barely keeping their heads above water! Rationalizing my sin as *weaknesses* that others will have to put up with while pointing out every speck in the eyes of my fellow brethren. Knowing clearly how others are "so legalistic" in their convictions or "being sucked into the deception of the enemy" in the freedoms they enjoy while at the same time believing that I (and I alone again) am living the balance that God reveals to us.

I guess I've just been thinking about my heart this Christmas season. Many of us will be spending time with families or friends. Some of us will be spending quiet time alone with our husbands and children. Some of us will even be counting this as just another day. It just seemed to me a good time to reflect on our attitudes toward others as we may be spending time with others. We may be with the unsaved or with believers who don't hold the same convictions that we do. It might be a good time for us to go before the Lord and ask Him to examine our attitudes and perspectives toward others. I've been asking myself these questions:

Am I extending to others the grace the Lord extends to me?

Am I willing to be misunderstood as I seek to understand others more fully?

Am I willing to drop a contentious point without "getting the last word in"?

Am I trusting the sanctifying work of the Lord in the lives of other believers even if they seem to be going in a direction very different from my own?

Am I working to have the "goal of my instruction" be love?

Am I realizing that "knowledge puffs up but love builds up" and am I therefore pursing love above all else?

Am I working to believe the best about others and to think that major differences we seem to have are probably misunderstandings that can be put to right with loving, open and humble communication? (this is different from trying to persuade that *I* am right, but to seek unity of spirit)

Am I centering my speech on the love and grace of the Lord rather than on me?

Hard questions for me to ask myself, but necessary if I am to work to keep a divisive and critical spirit far from my heart. How about you? Are these areas that God may be touching your heart on this Christmas season? May we all seek to follow Him more completely that people will see less and less of US and more and more of Him. This is the same Lord who said from the cross, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." This thought sends me to my knees in tears; humbled and awed.
 

Kate and I talked about this for awhile. I agree with her that being easily offended is not a virtue but a vice. Here are some Scriptures (New American Standard Version) that I think are relevant.

Prov. 19:11 -- A man's discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.

Often we take a sort of pride in being sensitive to offenses, but this says it is a glory for us to overlook offenses against us.

Prov. 18:19 -- A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.

This reminds me that being offended is a serious thing -- not something to play around with for the sake of my ego. (And sometimes those castle bars turn into prison bars.)

Prov. 15:15 -- All the days of the afflicted are bad, but a good heart has a continual feast.

If you look for the worst in people, you'll find it. But if you always look for the ways that God uses those around you to bring His own blessing, you'll find that too.

Prov. 12:16 -- A fool's vexation is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor.

If something irritates me, do I feel that obligates or entitles me to speak up about it to anyone around? Or do I understand that usually it's simply wiser and more loving to remain silent and let it pass?

Eccl. 7:20-22 -- Indeed, there is not a righteous man on earth who continually does good and who never sins. Also, do not take seriously all words which are spoken, lest you hear your servant cursing you. For you also have realized that you likewise have many times cursed others.

So what if others around me don't treat me as they should? If I'm honest about how I myself treat people, it won't surprise me all that much!

1 Pet 4:8 -- Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

It is my responsibility to keep my love for others fervent -- that eliminates playing the martyr. More interesting is the REASON given for keeping my love fervent -- it's because my love covers the sins that would otherwise begin to damage the relationship. If at the same time they keep their love for me fervent, our relationship is going to be able to endure a lot.

Living in fellowship with other believers without fervent love is sort of like driving your car with no oil.

Col 3:6 -- Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned, as it were, with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person.

I'm not sure if this verse means what I think it does, but if so, then "grace" is extending favor to others regardless of whether they deserve it. This says, then, that I should be seasoning everything I say with an attitude of forgiveness and favor whether they deserve it or not, and that by doing so I will have the wisdom to respond in a godly way to any situation that comes up.

1 Cor 13:5c -- Love is not provoked.

How could this be any clearer?

The phrase just after this says love "does not take into account a wrong suffered", by the way.

Ph'p 4:7-8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

There will almost always be at least SOMETHING worthy of praise right alongside of whatever offended me -- that's the thing I need to keep my thoughts focused on.

And, last, I can't resist this passage from Jesus' teaching about Himself and John the Baptist:

Luke 7:31-35 "To what then shall I compare the men of this generation, and what are they like? They are like children who sit in the marketplace and call to one another; and they say, "We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not weep." For John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine; and you say, "He has a demon!" The Son of Man has come eating and drinking; and you say, "Behold, a gluttonous man, and a drunkard, a friend of tax-gatherers and sinners!" Yet wisdom is vindicated by all her children.

I guess there's just no pleasing some people! :-)

I don't share these verses from the vantage point of someone who's figured it all out and never goes wrong in this area, but as a fellow struggler with maintaining a gracious attitude toward others -- and I hope that like me you are encouraged when you find actual Scriptures to hang your hat on.